Whispers of the Morning

 Wishing all mom’s a Happy Mother’s Day!

I’ve been awake thinking a lot this morning about my mom and the life we had growing up.  When we were younger we thought our mom was somewhat strict and we were all the time getting into trouble.  Well now that I’m older I can see she wasn’t strict….it was love, caring and concern.  She knew what was out there and only wanted to protect us and I’m so thankful she did. So I guess just a few of the thoughts I’ve been thinking this morning.

I remember the pride our parents had when they bought our house.  Growing up they had big families and had to share rooms.  I can remember the grins on their face and it being a big thing to them they were able to buy a brick home and my brother and I would have our own rooms.   They saw to it and worked hard to ensure a nice place that we called home.

Several months ago when I was helping them pick out a new computer one that was on the pricey side caught mom’s eyes.  I thought my dad would be no that’s to much money but instead he told my mom to get it then looked at me and made  the comment that growing up she always made sure we had what we wanted as kids.  She was always last and if that’s what she wanted then she should get it.  You know she did.  Neither of my parents had hobbies or anything.  They always saw to it that we did what we wanted and that’s where they money went.  To us.  I always had a pretty dress for recitals, the “in” shoes for basketball, gosh all the toys growing up.  They didn’t get things they wanted…they made sure we had everything we wanted.

I don’t remember my parents going out much.  Other than when Stacey was in the hospital mom was always there to tuck me in at night.  They never went out and went to parties or if they did I don’t remember it because they were always there if we couldn’t fall asleep or if the monsters were in the closet.  Looking back that means so much to me.  Knowing that growing up they were there and put us first.  I don’t know…. I think things were different back then.  Or maybe it was just us.  We weren’t pushed off to someone else so they could go out….being there for us was where they were suppose to be.

Kitchen time.  Oh my I think that’s why I love being in the kitchen.  I was always “helping” mom.  I can remember pulling up a chair and assisting with whatever she was doing.  I can remember making cakes, and cookies from scratch with her.  Then when dad would come in it was see what I made :) 

I had to run to the store yesterday and as I was leaving I over heard this lady tell her son that was crying “see what you made me do….you wouldn’t shut up so I had to pull your hair…now shut up”.  Talk about break my heart!  I don’t care what the situation was but pulling a childs hair?  I see so many kids being yelled at and hit and it kills my heart.  I would do anything for just one child and there are people out there that don’t even care about the gift they have right in front of them.  I’m sure growing up and most the teenage years were “oh so fun” but I don’t remember being yelled at as a kid.  I just remember lots of love.

So if we should ever be blessed with a baby I do hope I’m like my mom was with us.  One that put her needs last so that her children and family had what they wanted and needed.  

So to all the moms Happy Mothers Day and to the ones that are like me and wish they were blessed to be a mom…just know that being an Aunt is 2nd place to a mom.  We play a role in our families lives and we are needed too.

Current Mood: Blessed

 Still here.  Not ready to go anywhere just yet. So I’m just going to jot down thougths as they come to me. 

• I need to go through my pictures folder and deleat a bunch of pictures.  There are some in there that I just don’t care to see anymore.
• Just sad.  Not sure if it’s depression or just that time of the year.  I love Mother’s Day for my mom…I just wish I was a mom.
• There are people out there who have kids and don’t appreciate the gift they have.  That makes me so mad.  Just this morning a converstation I was having and I just had to walk away from it.  Kids need love and unconditional love.  
• I’m glad I was able to help last night with the elected supervisors dinner last night.  I love being a part of things.
• I think a friend and I are going to have a “mental health” day.  No computers, no cell phones..just non stop girl time and no one to interruptions.  Now if we can just find the time!
• My cousin’s son is having 3 procedures tomorrow to try and find out why he’s passing out for no reason.  I’m really worried about him.

The cousin I just mentioned sent me an email yesterday.  They had gone riding and they went down this street and it reminded her of one of our Saturday afternoon rides.  We were just riding…no where in particular and went down this dead end road and her car to quit.  We were so scared it wouldn’t get started.  We were in a weird part of town,  no cell phones back then,  scared but laughing at the same time.  The car finally started and we were back to crusin’ the town.  I don’t so much remember being scared and wondering what are we going to do if the car won’t start.  I just remember laughing so hard and hysterically.  I miss that.  We haven’t been those girls in over 18 years.  We came to a cross-road in our lives and went different directions.  It seems God is bringing us back into each others lives.  I really hope so.  I miss them two girls who were more than cousins….more than sisters…and even more than best friends.  We were just us. 

Current Mood: Sad

 Ok replace Lucy with Dawn and you have Dawn you have some “splain” to do.  That’s how I have felt the past few weeks.  Every where I turn I have to explain my feelings and justify them and I’m just getting sick and tired of it.  There is no where I feel safe anymore.  I totally get how Patt would say he couldn’t enjoy riding if I was there because he wouldn’t be able to be “him”.  Well him I am…I love the computer it’s just I can’t enjoy it because I’m always have to “splain” myslef to someone.  Well just for the record NOT anymore.  The only person in my life I will explain anything to is my husband and it’s not because I feel like I have to…it’s out of respect for him.  Other than that…nope not going to do it.  I’m now frusturated because I’m fighting (ok not fighting  just heavy discussion but we’re both sick and tired of this discussion) with Patt because I’m at a loss of what to do. 

There was a time that this was my place to escape.  I called it my “babysitter” while Patt was out riding.  I can’t even find joy here anymore.  I started blogging because writing things out helped me.  I could see things more clearly.  Not anymore.  I’m scared to write about anything because when I do I get emails and phone calls…was that about “me”.  I wonder should I just do meme’s because the people I have met here…I enjoy reading your blogs.  But it’s not fair that every time you come here it’s turned into a vent session for me. 

I am sorry that my blog is no longer a fun place to visit.  I’m sorry it’s not a fun place for me anymore.  Do I give up something I use to enjoy…can I get back to the point where it was fun and exciting?  I feel like I’m drowing and just gasping for air…I need so badly to enjoy this again.  I want to enjoy…but I can’t when everything I do and everything I say is being picked apart into pieces.  I’m not “splain” nothing anymore.  Periord.

Current Mood: Angry & annoyed & indifferent

 One thing I love about Spring is all the wild flowers that grow on in the yard.  I can get lost taking pictures of them.  I’ve been planting some bulbs over the weekend and can’t wait to see if the grow.  I have never planted blubs.  Oh and don’t ask what they were..I just know they were pretty on the package :)  Little by little I’m adding more color and more plants and flowers to our yard.  Patt got me a spiral planter while I was gone so maybe this weekend I’ll go and buy a few plants to add to it.  I want something real pretty and colorful to go in the top basket.  There’s this neat flower place on my home that I’ve never been to that everyone loves so I may have to go check it out and see what’s in this year!

Ok off to work.  whoo hooo at least it’s not Monday

Current Mood: Tired

 Saturday I spent about an hours or so on the porch overlooking the lake at my mother in laws and had some good ole fashion girl talk.  One thing we talked about is what she calls Love with Detachment.  How with some people we can still love and care for them but you have to detach yourself from them.  It’s so odd how she’s so in tune with my feelings some times.   This is the point I’m at with so many facets of my life.  I’ve had to detach myself because I feel as though I’m getting depressed again and I can’t let that happen to me again.  Depression is a bad place for me to be and the past year I’ve been spiraling out of control with anger, hurt, hate…feelings that will put me in a place that is hard for me to get out of.  I’ve told Patt I hate the motorcycle..which is not true.  I don’t like some of things I associate with the motorcycle.  So I’ve decided to detach myself some things…anything that reminds me of things and why I hurt.  I give 100% with my friendships and people in my life yet I don’t feel like they give half in return.  My hurt has caused problems between Patt and myself but the biggest is between God and myself.  I know I can’t have these feelings and be able to shine for Him.  So I can love from a distance but I can’t put myself in situations where I’m going to see or hear things that hurt me.  So whem my mother in law started talking about Love with Detachment it just clicked for me.   I need to take myslef out of some situations and get my life and heart back on track.  And I need to start having fun again.  My friends are so tired of seeing me sad so if I’m not “in” places that I’m uncomfortable with then I’m not hurt or mad and I can stay upbeat.  I think my mother in law and I need to have lots more girl talk.  It’s so nice and peaceful sitting on the back porch plus I just love looking out at the lake where Patt and I got married

Current Mood: Blessed